Secure

I took the test.  The "Close Relationships Questionnaire" test.  It measured my attachment style.  The way I relate to other people.  The way I relate in intimate relationships.   How did I do?  Well.  First a story.  A snip of my life story.  When I was 3 years old my parents divorced.  I have 2 memories of my Dad.  One sad.  One happy.  My mom remarried when I was 4.  She married Will K. Brown.  He was kind & quiet.  He was nice to me.  Like polite nice.  When I was 17 years old they divorced.  When they divorced he stopped being dad.  Now my mom.  It is interesting to ponder my mom.  Did she meet my needs, continuously and consistently, like attachment research encourages?  The stories I have heard make me ponder.  Arthritis at 23 yrs.  Juggling a difficult marriage.  Separated while she learned she was pregnant.  Pregnant with me.  Reuniting, trying again, failing.  Divorced.  3 girls.  1964.  My memory.  My story.  My mom loved me.  I knew she loved me.  Unconditionally.  Reaching out to her felt safe.  Not always easy but safe.  Now.  Here is the results of my test.  I share it to stir thinking.  Fact.  My early romantic relationships have a history.  An insecure anxiety attachment history.  My attachment 

anxiety style.  Big time.  First years of my marriage was characteristic of attachment-related anxiety too.  In me.  I was worried.  I was needy.  Yes.  Insecure.  Now the results of today's test.  On attachment-related anxiety I scored 2.89 on a scale 1-7.  Seven being high anxiety.  I scored 1.73 on attachment-related avoidance.  Seven being highest.  The results put me in the secure quadrant.  What?  Really.  What do we know about secure attachment style?   Secure people tend to have "relatively enduring and satisfying relationships".  Hmm.  Secure people "don't typically worry about whether their partner's are going to reject them and they are comfortable being emotionally close to others".  Hmm.  "They are comfortable expressing their emotions, and tend not to suffer from depression and other psychological disorders".  Wow.  That sounds good.  That IS good.  I changed.  Years ago.  That was really good.  2 questions.  What happened to cause a change?  That is for a future post.  2nd Question.  What did the test say about your attachment style?

Understanding

"Understanding is described in the scriptures in relation to the heart" (Bednar, 2011).   I think it is good to check my pulse.  My understanding pulse.  Often.  Do I seek to understand?  Like really understand.  The deep way.  The honest way.  The with both feet in and all my heart way.   King Benjamin knew understanding is a matter of the heart.  "I have not commanded you to come up hither to trifle with the words which I shall speak, but that you should hearken unto me, and open your ears that ye may hear, and your hearts that ye may understand" (Mosiah 2:9).  Elder Bednar knows understanding is a matter of the heart too.  Understanding is when my heart shifts.  When I see things differently.  When I feel things differently.  This kind of change even helps me think differently.  Knowing is good.  Understanding is better.  A mighty change of heart happens when I understand, not with my head, but with my heart.   

"Ye have not applied your hearts to understanding; therefore, ye have not been wise" (Mosiah 12:27)

Spirit

Thinking about the Holy Ghost.  Elder David A. Bednar said, "The Lord usually communicates with us in ways that are quiet, delicate, and subtle".  (April 2006)  The Holy Spirit can be our guide.  The Holy Spirit is essential for our spiritual growth.  We are fallen.  These are things Elder Bednar said.  This 2:34 minute video is part 1.   Elder Bednar speaks to me through the Holy Ghost.   He talks about the light of Christ and the pull to do good we feel from HIS light.  The Holy Spirit is my guide.  

I am grateful for the Light of Christ and 

the gift of the Holy Ghost.

"Tell the people to be humble and faithful, and be sure to keep the spirit of the Lord and it will lead them right.  Be careful and not turn away the small still voice; it will teach them what to do and where to go".  Joseph Smith (Brigham Young Vision, Feb. 23, 1847.)

Adult Attachment

Adult Attachment Theory.  

Adult attachment theory gets it's juice from Bowlby's attachment theory.  Hazan & Shaver (1987 & 1994).  They had an idea.  Could the attachment style we developed as an infant have any correlation to the way we bond in our adult relationships.  Our romantic relationships.
Boyfriend & girlfriend.  Husband & wife.  Theory goes something like this.  Some adults are secure.  As infants they formed secure attachment.  They are secure in their style.   Their attachment style.  When they need something they expect their partner will be there.  They are able to depend on their partner and having their partner depend on them feels nice.  This is easy.  They trusted their mom to meet their needs.  Now they trust their partner.  Hmm.  Trust their partner?  Think emotional.  Think unconditional.  Think real safe cozy.  Now insecure.  In adult attachment theory there are two insecure styles.  Anxious and avoidant.  Adults with anxious attachment worry.  They worry their partner may not love them.  They worry their needs will not be met.  Why?  As a child they did not have their needs met.  Regularly.  Consistently.  Emotional needs?  Yes.  Physical needs?  Maybe.  They feel distressed.  Why?  They have a need.  They do not trust their partner will meet their need.  They may demand or withdraw.  Hmm.  Interesting.  Second insecure is avoidant.  It is different.  They don't care.  Well it seems that way.  If I had this attachment style I would not appear to care.  I would not worry.  I would know my partner will not meet my needs.  I would not depend on my partner and would like them to be independent too.  Ask for what I need? No thank you.  See,  I may have felt helpless as an infant.  Uh?  My caregiver was unavailable.  Some times?  No, that is normal.  Not available most times.  Continuously.  Consistently.  As an adult I would avoid seeking connection.  Attachment.  Bonding.  Okay.  Is this a black and white theory?  No way.  Lots of variables.  Much more to think about.  Does this theory determine how I love today?  No way.  It CAN give insight on why I say, do, or feel certain things at certain times.  When I am seeking to change attachment theory is worth pondering.  Why do I stumble reaching for help?  Why is trust hard for me?  Why do I worry?  Good to ask yourself questions.  Here are 3 questions.  3 questions that may help you identify your adult attachment style.

Click HERE to take a test.  An on line quiz that will determine your attachment style.  I took the test.  I will post my results on Tuesday.  On Tuesday I will post more about attachment.  There are dots to connect.  There is a concept in attachment theory called earned secure attachment.  Nice to know.  Good to know.  I will post more.  Attachment research is full of implications.  Keep thinking
.

Apple

Last year I had a thought.  It was an old thought.  "An apple a day keeps the doctor away".  Could this be true?  This is a common phrase.  Possible Wales proverb.  1866.   People like rhymes.  But I am curious.  Is it true?  What about an orange?  How about a banana a day?  Does fruit keep a doctor away or just apples?  I googled.  "Apples have properties that no other fruits have".  Hmm.  Reading.  "benefits have been proven overtime".  Hmm.  Reading more I learn that I can get these properties individually with other fruits, "but an apple combines everything" making it simpler.  Eating an apple is easier.  It is easy.  It is healthy.  World wide web says:

• Vitamin C.  Immune system boost.
• Heart diseases.  Prevents coronary heart & cardiovascular.
• Low in calories.  70-100 calories.  Reduce sugar craving.
• Prevents cancers.  Yes plural.  Colon, prostate & breast.
• Cholesterol.  Reduces bad and increases good.  
• Tooth decay.  Juice from apples kills up to 80% of bacteria.
• Brain disease.  Protects brain cells.  Prevents Alzheimer's.
• Healthier lungs.  Respiratory problems, including asthma. 
• Taste great.  Natural Food.  Gift from Heavenly Father.

I started eating apples 7 months ago.  I am trying to eat an apple every day.  I discovered a new apple.  New to me.   Honeycrisp.   New amazing over the top good.  Delicious.  Developed by the University of Minnesota in 1960.  Released for sale 1991.  I learned about delicious Honeycrisp apples in 2012.  Will eating Honeycrisp apples keep the doctor away?  Maybe.  Maybe yes.

Want to giggle?

Brian Reagn

Attachment

Attachment Theory.  Adult Attachment Theory.  Both interesting.  Both can offer insight.  Attachment thinking originated with John Bowlby (1907-1990).  He noticed infants.  He noticed mothers of infants.  He noticed distress when separated.  Often intense.  He saw the behavior as adaptive.  Babies need food.  Babies need diapers.  Babies need people.  A person.  A mother.  A caregiver.  His theory goes deeper.  He noticed if the caregiver is accessible and attentive the baby is secure.  If the caregiver is unpredictable the baby is not secure.  Insecure.  First year matters.  
First year predicts attachment style.  
Secure or insecure.

 Mary Ainsworth (1913-1999) added to the research.  3 attachment styles.  Secure, insecure ambivalent and insecure avoidant.  She is credited for "The Strange Situation".  Secure infants when distressed feel confident their attachment figure (mother, caregiver) will be available to meet their needs.  Avoidant infants are independent of their attachment figure.  Physically and emotionally.  When distressed what do they do?  They do not seek connection.  Ambivalent infants are clingy.  They behave as if they feel dependent.  When distressed what do they do?  They reject their attachment figure and are difficult to soothe. 

Insecure infants do not feel confident their attachment figure will be available to meet their needs.  Why?  Possibly inconsistent or unavailable attention from care caregiver during early years.  Hmm?  Possibly.  This is a theory.  This is a theory that stirs my thinking.  This video is cool and sad and intriguing.  It touches on what I believe to be the core of attachment theories. 

Hazen and Shaver (1987) and Fraley and Shaver (2000) added to attachment research.  Adult Attachment Theory.  It is super and has all kinds of groovy implication.  Implications for couples.  Implications for addiction and self-soothing.  Implications for anxiety and depression.  Adult Attachment Theory will be the topic on Saturday's post.