January 26, 2013

Adult Attachment

Adult Attachment Theory.  
Adult attachment theory gets it's juice from Bowlby's attachment theory.  Hazan & Shaver (1987 & 1994).  They had an idea.  Could the attachment style we developed as an infant have any correlation to the way we bond in our adult relationships.  Our romantic relationships.
Boyfriend & girlfriend.  Husband & wife.  Theory goes something like this.  Some adults are secure.  As infants they formed secure attachment.  They are secure in their style.   Their attachment style.  When they need something they expect their partner will be there.  They are able to depend on their partner and having their partner depend on them feels nice.  This is easy.  They trusted their mom to meet their needs.  Now they trust their partner.  Hmm.  Trust their partner?  Think emotional.  Think unconditional.  Think real safe cozy.  Now insecure.  In adult attachment theory there are two insecure styles.  Anxious and avoidant.  Adults with anxious attachment worry.  They worry their partner may not love them.  They worry their needs will not be met.  Why?  As a child they did not have their needs met.  Regularly.  Consistently.  Emotional needs?  Yes.  Physical needs?  Maybe.  They feel distressed.  Why?  They have a need.  They do not trust their partner will meet their need.  They may demand or withdraw.  Hmm.  Interesting.  Second insecure is avoidant.  It is different.  They don't care.  Well it seems that way.  If I had this attachment style I would not appear to care.  I would not worry.  I would know my partner will not meet my needs.  I would not depend on my partner and would like them to be independent too.  Ask for what I need? No thank you.  See,  I may have felt helpless as an infant.  Uh?  My caregiver was unavailable.  Some times?  No, that is normal.  Not available most times.  Continuously.  Consistently.  As an adult I would avoid seeking connection.  Attachment.  Bonding.  Okay.  Is this a black and white theory?  No way.  Lots of variables.  Much more to think about.  Does this theory determine how I love today?  No way.  It CAN give insight on why I say, do, or feel certain things at certain times.  When I am seeking to change attachment theory is worth pondering.  Why do I stumble reaching for help?  Why is trust hard for me?  Why do I worry?  Good to ask yourself questions.  Here are 3 questions.  3 questions that may help you identify your adult attachment style.
Click HERE to take a test.  An on line quiz that will determine your attachment style.  I took the test.  I will post my results on Tuesday.  On Tuesday I will post more about attachment.  There are dots to connect.  There is a concept in attachment theory called earned secure attachment.  Nice to know.  Good to know.  I will post more.  Attachment research is full of implications.  Keep thinking

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