Adult Attachment

Adult Attachment Theory.  

Adult attachment theory gets it's juice from Bowlby's attachment theory.  Hazan & Shaver (1987 & 1994).  They had an idea.  Could the attachment style we developed as an infant have any correlation to the way we bond in our adult relationships.  Our romantic relationships.
Boyfriend & girlfriend.  Husband & wife.  Theory goes something like this.  Some adults are secure.  As infants they formed secure attachment.  They are secure in their style.   Their attachment style.  When they need something they expect their partner will be there.  They are able to depend on their partner and having their partner depend on them feels nice.  This is easy.  They trusted their mom to meet their needs.  Now they trust their partner.  Hmm.  Trust their partner?  Think emotional.  Think unconditional.  Think real safe cozy.  Now insecure.  In adult attachment theory there are two insecure styles.  Anxious and avoidant.  Adults with anxious attachment worry.  They worry their partner may not love them.  They worry their needs will not be met.  Why?  As a child they did not have their needs met.  Regularly.  Consistently.  Emotional needs?  Yes.  Physical needs?  Maybe.  They feel distressed.  Why?  They have a need.  They do not trust their partner will meet their need.  They may demand or withdraw.  Hmm.  Interesting.  Second insecure is avoidant.  It is different.  They don't care.  Well it seems that way.  If I had this attachment style I would not appear to care.  I would not worry.  I would know my partner will not meet my needs.  I would not depend on my partner and would like them to be independent too.  Ask for what I need? No thank you.  See,  I may have felt helpless as an infant.  Uh?  My caregiver was unavailable.  Some times?  No, that is normal.  Not available most times.  Continuously.  Consistently.  As an adult I would avoid seeking connection.  Attachment.  Bonding.  Okay.  Is this a black and white theory?  No way.  Lots of variables.  Much more to think about.  Does this theory determine how I love today?  No way.  It CAN give insight on why I say, do, or feel certain things at certain times.  When I am seeking to change attachment theory is worth pondering.  Why do I stumble reaching for help?  Why is trust hard for me?  Why do I worry?  Good to ask yourself questions.  Here are 3 questions.  3 questions that may help you identify your adult attachment style.

Click HERE to take a test.  An on line quiz that will determine your attachment style.  I took the test.  I will post my results on Tuesday.  On Tuesday I will post more about attachment.  There are dots to connect.  There is a concept in attachment theory called earned secure attachment.  Nice to know.  Good to know.  I will post more.  Attachment research is full of implications.  Keep thinking
.

Apple

Last year I had a thought.  It was an old thought.  "An apple a day keeps the doctor away".  Could this be true?  This is a common phrase.  Possible Wales proverb.  1866.   People like rhymes.  But I am curious.  Is it true?  What about an orange?  How about a banana a day?  Does fruit keep a doctor away or just apples?  I googled.  "Apples have properties that no other fruits have".  Hmm.  Reading.  "benefits have been proven overtime".  Hmm.  Reading more I learn that I can get these properties individually with other fruits, "but an apple combines everything" making it simpler.  Eating an apple is easier.  It is easy.  It is healthy.  World wide web says:

• Vitamin C.  Immune system boost.
• Heart diseases.  Prevents coronary heart & cardiovascular.
• Low in calories.  70-100 calories.  Reduce sugar craving.
• Prevents cancers.  Yes plural.  Colon, prostate & breast.
• Cholesterol.  Reduces bad and increases good.  
• Tooth decay.  Juice from apples kills up to 80% of bacteria.
• Brain disease.  Protects brain cells.  Prevents Alzheimer's.
• Healthier lungs.  Respiratory problems, including asthma. 
• Taste great.  Natural Food.  Gift from Heavenly Father.

I started eating apples 7 months ago.  I am trying to eat an apple every day.  I discovered a new apple.  New to me.   Honeycrisp.   New amazing over the top good.  Delicious.  Developed by the University of Minnesota in 1960.  Released for sale 1991.  I learned about delicious Honeycrisp apples in 2012.  Will eating Honeycrisp apples keep the doctor away?  Maybe.  Maybe yes.

Want to giggle?

Brian Reagn

Attachment

Attachment Theory.  Adult Attachment Theory.  Both interesting.  Both can offer insight.  Attachment thinking originated with John Bowlby (1907-1990).  He noticed infants.  He noticed mothers of infants.  He noticed distress when separated.  Often intense.  He saw the behavior as adaptive.  Babies need food.  Babies need diapers.  Babies need people.  A person.  A mother.  A caregiver.  His theory goes deeper.  He noticed if the caregiver is accessible and attentive the baby is secure.  If the caregiver is unpredictable the baby is not secure.  Insecure.  First year matters.  
First year predicts attachment style.  
Secure or insecure.

 Mary Ainsworth (1913-1999) added to the research.  3 attachment styles.  Secure, insecure ambivalent and insecure avoidant.  She is credited for "The Strange Situation".  Secure infants when distressed feel confident their attachment figure (mother, caregiver) will be available to meet their needs.  Avoidant infants are independent of their attachment figure.  Physically and emotionally.  When distressed what do they do?  They do not seek connection.  Ambivalent infants are clingy.  They behave as if they feel dependent.  When distressed what do they do?  They reject their attachment figure and are difficult to soothe. 

Insecure infants do not feel confident their attachment figure will be available to meet their needs.  Why?  Possibly inconsistent or unavailable attention from care caregiver during early years.  Hmm?  Possibly.  This is a theory.  This is a theory that stirs my thinking.  This video is cool and sad and intriguing.  It touches on what I believe to be the core of attachment theories. 

Hazen and Shaver (1987) and Fraley and Shaver (2000) added to attachment research.  Adult Attachment Theory.  It is super and has all kinds of groovy implication.  Implications for couples.  Implications for addiction and self-soothing.  Implications for anxiety and depression.  Adult Attachment Theory will be the topic on Saturday's post.

Rosy

Rose colored glasses.  

I wear them.  They fit me.  They keep me safe.  Um well.  They keep me happy.  Well.  Happier then pessimists.  Maybe.  How

about motivated?  Yes.  Motivated.  Click for facts.  I am optimistic and pessimistic.  Everyone is.  It can be a choice.  What!  Yes.  My choice.  I can try.  I can give up.  It is up to me. Optimists approach negative events. They feel motivated to solve problems.  Pessimists avoid negative events.  They feel helpless to solve problems.  Approach vs Avoid.  Hmm?  Think deep.  When I feel pessimistic I tend to think bad things ALWAYS happen. The BIG kind of bad.  I tell myself, "Why try?".  It won't work, won't last, won't help, can't be done. It is my fault.  In my mind things will never change.  WHEN I am flying high with optimism I think bad things happen, SOMETiMES.  I tell myself, "I can do this".  Things will work out, it will last, it will help, it can be done.  In my mind things will get better.  I am motivated.  I see responsibility.  I can learn.  I want to do different.  Click Learned Optimism.

Groovy

 

I have recently been channeling my 70's attitude.  I keep using terms like "cool", "far out", "dig that", and "really groovy".  In jr high I would rock out to my clock radio.  The Chicago FM station had contests.  Be caller number?  I called lots.  I won Once.  Free tickets to a concert.  Dobbie Brothers.  My nice hip sister drove me.  My 2 older sisters were hippies.  Really cool hippies.   I drove my

 sisters' yellow VW when they went off to college.  I stuck a rainbow sticker on the back window.  I felt groovy in my bug with a rainbow. In 1975 rainbows were cool.  This 1970's package says rainbows "lift our hearts with wonder & awe reminding us of the truth & beauty of our own lives".  

Have a groovy DAY!

Falling

James Ferrell wrote a book called "Falling to Heaven".  I am a fan of his books.  This one is my favorite.  He talks about "the divine paradox".  He talks about "the false burden of down".  My mind spins with curiousity.  I love books that stir up this kind of thinking.  He points to living in a confessing way and offers "it is to give up the charade of one's innocence--not just with respect to a particular sin but with respect to one's status before God generally".  King Benjamin also leads my heart to living in a confessing way.  "For behold, are we not all beggars?"(Mosiah 4:19).   Both invite a taste of humility to stir within me.  Ferrell invited me to rethink about Lehi's vision.  There were five groups who looked walked reached toward the tree of life.  What was different for this last group?  Group five.  Group four found the tree.  They did reach up and "tasted of the fruit" but then fell away. (1 Nephi 8:28).  They got distracted.  Why?  Ferrell points me to look at what the last group did.  Upon finding the tree they "fell down" while partaking.  Hmm.  Could falling at the tree be the difference?  Could the way I partake of the gospel make a difference? Pondering the difference.  Falling to the Savior begins to look different then following the Savior.  It feels humbly different.